Save yourself

[LEYSHELL NICOLE CONNER]

A DIARY OF L.N.C

i've been roaming around always lookin down at all i see. painted faces fill the

places i can't reach. you know that i could use somebody you know that i could

use somebody someone like you and all you know and how you speak countless

lovers undercover of the street you know that i could use somebody you know

that I could use somebody someone like you off in the night while you live it up i'm 

off to sleep waging wars to shake the poet and the beat I hope it's gonna make

July, 25th, 2023

A wise person once said that absolute powers corrupts absolutely, well I don’t recall being in power. Sure people were afraid of me and I could get what I wanted but that wasn’t power that was manipulation and fear. It was my birthday and well, I decided to have some fun do something that I hadn’t done before and live it up. Only everything went wrong, I over heard my father arguing with one of his business associates and well, I got angry. My father had foolish trusted some people and the same people smiled in my face while plotting to uproot my way of life so I snapped.

I don’t know why I did it but I planned it all out that night and well it happened and I don’t know how I feel about it. On one hand it feels like a piece of me died, like the last piece of innocence I had was taking from me when I set the evidence on fire. I threw away all my kitty cat sweaters, all the powder pink and white that could make me seem harmless and naïve. Not even the sweaters or the clothes or my act could disguise what a monster I am, how evil I am. My mom would be proud, I found out what she was that day too, I guess I more like my mother than I thought and even that doesn’t creep me out anymore. I figure I deserve to be in a loveless marriage with an idiot who can’t stay faithful.

Me and Mathew are finished now, he found out about the ghouls and that the rumors were true and I don’t blame him. He’s way to good to be with a girl like me, ill only taint his soul, but it was fun while it lasted. I got to pretend that I wasn’t a horrible person when I was with him but it wasn’t up to him to try and save my soul, though he did try. The worst part about it is that I cant even be mad, I can’t say he broke my heart because while it is broken I brought this on myself. Perhaps karma does exist and im getting mine, the only problem is that the only way I can go now is down, there’s no redemption there’s no rest. You’re wicked until you die and there’s no way out.

I’ve always wondered how far I would go to get the things I wanted, to be seen as something other than a pureblood house wife and I think I found out. The problem is, I was getting ready today and I didn’t like who I saw in the mirror, my reflection seemed like it was mocking me, I had the same face but I was way different, blonde with lifeless blue eyes when I used to be red headed and have vibrant green eyes, everything about me has changed and no amount of alcohol would drown out the truth.

with love,

- - - Leyshell

ALL SEEING EYES CREATION
AT CAUTION BUT THE DROOL WORTHY
GRAPHICS ARE BY DAMAGED GOODS!

[LEYSHELL NICOLE CONNER]

A DIARY OF L.N.C

i've been roaming around always lookin down at all i see. painted faces fill the

places i can't reach. you know that i could use somebody you know that i could

use somebody someone like you and all you know and how you speak countless

lovers undercover of the street you know that i could use somebody you know

that I could use somebody someone like you off in the night while you live it up i'm 

off to sleep waging wars to shake the poet and the beat I hope it's gonna make

July, 28th, 2023

I dont even know what i want anymore, everything i thought i wanted doesnt even seem so important. Perhaps im just not seeing it the same way, maybe i've gotten older and wiser and realized what i thought i wanted was something i didn't need. Maybe i wanted attention not power i confused the two things or saw them as one in the same. I fee powerful, i feel like im important and not because of the things i can do magically or the circle i run in. I just feel that way. The only problem is, im not happy. I wanted to prove that i didn't need a man by my side to be powerful, i wasn't like my mother. however im starting to fear that in the process of trying not to be like my mother i've become my father.

I've pushed away everyone that cared about me or could possibly care. and now this marriage contract is threatening to overwhelm me.  Can he deal with or accept the choices that i made and would he make them two?

with love,

- - - Leyshell

ALL SEEING EYES CREATION
AT CAUTION BUT THE DROOL WORTHY
GRAPHICS ARE BY DAMAGED GOODS!

[LEYSHELL NICOLE CONNER]

A DIARY OF L.N.C

i've been roaming around always lookin down at all i see. painted faces fill the

places i can't reach. you know that i could use somebody you know that i could

use somebody someone like you and all you know and how you speak countless

lovers undercover of the street you know that i could use somebody you know

that I could use somebody someone like you off in the night while you live it up i'm 

off to sleep waging wars to shake the poet and the beat I hope it's gonna make

August, 10th, 2023

Is it completely rational to love and hate an idea all at once? Like be in love with the thought of the idea but hate actually going through with it because I feel like im at a crossroad. A lot has happened since the last time I picked up this stupid book and started reading it, and im not entirely sure how I feel about it so ill start at the beginning.

One day in august my father and pregnant mother decided to bring me on a family outing where the told me they had signed a marriage contract with someone…but wouldn’t tell me who, of course I stormed off and went to a water park. Now of course you would think I went to be mean to a bunch of people and ruin their day but no I went to surround myself with strangers and perhaps enjoy myself. No I saw someone I met from school his name was Cameron and I spent the day with him, flirting and having a blast in my chaotic spontaneous way. He’s always so orderly and well im chaotic…..my art studio is filled with painting that im selling and finishing.

Anyways we had a blast teasing each other, and the water slides were interesting to say the least. I’ve never actually allowed myself to be that carefree where a guy was concerned and I enjoyed it. Of course I was under the impression that after that day we wouldn’t see each other until school or if we decided to meet up again…by Our choice boy how wrong was I.

After spending the rest of the week holed up in my manor and my art studio it finally came time to meet my future husband and guess who it was. CAMERON and im not even joking I was so angry and I still am. I’m just very confused about all of this, it was so easy to be my myself around him somewhat, I never linked happiness and friendship and to marriage and well I had a blast hanging out with him. Does this mean I hate him by default now, he was just a shocked as I was and he looked equally angry.

with love,

- - - Leyshell

ALL SEEING EYES CREATION
AT CAUTION BUT THE DROOL WORTHY
GRAPHICS ARE BY DAMAGED GOODS!

[LEYSHELL NICOLE CONNER]

A DIARY OF L.N.C

i've been roaming around always lookin down at all i see. painted faces fill the

places i can't reach. you know that i could use somebody you know that i could

use somebody someone like you and all you know and how you speak countless

lovers undercover of the street you know that i could use somebody you know

that I could use somebody someone like you off in the night while you live it up i'm 

off to sleep waging wars to shake the poet and the beat I hope it's gonna make

August, 12th, 2023

*sighs* Im not sure if I can pretend anymore, I made a choice and im sticking with it but do I have to pretend to smile about and pretend to hate anything that doesn’t have the same blood status as me. I know breeding is important and yeah blood purity is something that my family take pride though they don’t lord it over others but still. I never cared about blood status, a sucker was sucker and im more than skilled at cons. Maybe this book should be filled with horrors from my childhood like being left in a country alone whether on purpose or an accident I don’t know. Or the nightmares I get when I go to sleep, faces of the families of the Men I killed.

Perhaps I should look in the mirror and ask myself why I have yet to kill a woman. Perhaps im not as strong as I think I am….wait wham I kidding. I learned to kill while stilling have a conscious and a sense of right and wrong, it doesn’t make me a physco. It makes me a person who’s not afraid to do what ahs to be done. Then again it’s cost me my soul, I can feel it….just a black spot on my soul, it tears at you every time you kill it makes your eyes harder and harder and harder to stare at. Maybe it’s my own fault, I don’t recognize the girl I see in the mirror and no matter how many family pictures I look at, the red hair and green eyes always bring me pain.

Im not sure where I stand with Cameron, perhaps I over reacted at the family dinner, we haven’t spoken since but im supposed owl him with findings but I don’t necessarily feel like it. School starts soon and im not exactly sure what me and him are going to do. He graduates this year and im stuck in the prison for another year, but I have some interesting new friends to say the least. I know one of them knows hand to hand combat and weaponry he can test my skills along with my wand combat. He’s a hunter and I find that cool perhaps I should be one of those instead of a sort of mercenary which seems cooler.

It’s a shame that im mentioning killing for my career choices but it seems like the best bet, I kid you not. I could have a normal nine to five job, and a boss who I wanted to kill every second of the day but then again im not one to settle down, so what am I doing with Cameron? Is there a such thing as a trophy husband? Because if there is then Cameron can be one…hopefully.

with love,

- - - Leyshell

ALL SEEING EYES CREATION
AT CAUTION BUT THE DROOL WORTHY
GRAPHICS ARE BY DAMAGED GOODS!

[LEYSHELL NICOLE CONNER]

A DIARY OF L.N.C

i've been roaming around always lookin down at all i see. painted faces fill the

places i can't reach. you know that i could use somebody you know that i could

use somebody someone like you and all you know and how you speak countless

lovers undercover of the street you know that i could use somebody you know

that I could use somebody someone like you off in the night while you live it up i'm 

off to sleep waging wars to shake the poet and the beat I hope it's gonna make

August, 12th, 2023

I can't do this, last night I told him, in a stupid drunk moment. I dont know anymore, I just don't. His response wasn't what I expected, I hadn't expected him to respond at all. Im seriously in denial and I cant figure out how to come back from this. I always belived in Karma, always and when I thought about it coming around to do me in, I ways thought about death. I was foolish to think I would get such peace, for all the trouble I caused it only seemed fitting.

Death would be easy, all my greatest fears coming true, being the only one with a weakness that's how Karma would get me. My form of Karma Cameron Clarke...he's like what I would be if I was boy, how vain and conceited of me to be attracted to him. I won't be able to think or talk my way out of it. Drunk words are sober thoughts and I foolishly spilled mine. Maybe its time I actually get my heartbroken, ive broken so many before, and even mine somewhat on occasions but purposely, not like this...not like now.

Maybe I should just give in, it couldn't be that bad, finaly giving the world the last thing I have to offer. My soul is tainted, might as well taint the only purity I have left. I know how ill feel after, ill fall and then illl give in, after we're both asleep ill stoo pretending. Ill sit under the spray of the shower feeling empty and hallow. Like that time my mom found out my dad might have had another kid. It turned out he didn't but it really sunk it at how much my dad might not love her.

I finally found a game I cant win at...only the stakes were high when I started, I should've known.

with love,

- - - Leyshell

ALL SEEING EYES CREATION
AT CAUTION BUT THE DROOL WORTHY
GRAPHICS ARE BY DAMAGED GOODS!

[LEYSHELL NICOLE CONNER]

A DIARY OF L.N.C

i've been roaming around always lookin down at all i see. painted faces fill the

places i can't reach. you know that i could use somebody you know that i could

use somebody someone like you and all you know and how you speak countless

lovers undercover of the street you know that i could use somebody you know

that I could use somebody someone like you off in the night while you live it up i'm 

off to sleep waging wars to shake the poet and the beat I hope it's gonna make

December, 20th, 2023

So, it happened, I gave in and maybe I regret it just a bit. Mostly because I lost the last little bit of innocence I had left but also because well it's more permanent now. I have an engagement ring on my finger and it feels like two tons and when parents find out im in for a bunch of playing. Nothing big but I do want a victorian style wedding. Actually I dont even know anymore...what do I want and how do I get it...well the last part is easy. I always get what I want eventually and even though im in a bind ill find a way to turn it around.

Firsr thing first separating my feelings from whatever is going on with and Camero. The first time I fell in love was awesome but its not fun being love by yourself and I refuse to give him that type of power. We talked about children...and I think I might actually want them, though im starting to be put off by the whole business deal they're sounding like. I already made up my mind that they wont be anything like me or have to many expectations. They'll get to be children.

I also think I might have gave Cameron the go ahead to call the manor his own...considering I gave him the fourth floor. I mean at least he'll stay out of my way and such. Still im curious about how he'll renovate it, at any rate he thinks my manor is creepy which if fun.

Ive also noticed how my enteries lately have been camero centered...I should try out latest nickname for him...camero hahah

with love,

- - - Leyshell

ALL SEEING EYES CREATION
AT CAUTION BUT THE DROOL WORTHY
GRAPHICS ARE BY DAMAGED GOODS!