Flying or Falling (Jens)

[ELLEN MARIBEL ACKERLEY]

Ever since the middle of summer, Ellen made a firm decision, and acted accordingly, to break out of her shell and try new things. This is what brought her onto the Quidditch Pitch that early Friday morning. Ellen had been afraid of flying for all of her life ever since she fell off her broom in first year in her first lesson. Now that Ignatius had been killed and her confidence raised from her...thing with Jens, Ellen felt compelled to not let her life pass by so quickly. She wanted to embrace everything that life had to offer.

She stood among a couple of other students - all younger, of course - with her arms crossed over her chest. The weather was still warm so Ellen dressed in a pair of distressed light jean shorts, a blush tank top that flowed away from her body and showed the upper part of her back under a layer of lace, and white sneakers - just in case she needed them. Ellen felt confident, though, that she'd be able to fly. She needed to, not only for her confidence but for the simple fact that she wanted to feel the wind in her hair and her fears leave her mind.

[Deleted]

Jens was finally actually teaching. He had known he was going to be here for a few months now, and had been in nervous excitement leading up to the first time he would actually be interacting with students. He was looking forward to it, as well as being nervous about it. Officially, he was only down to take First Year Flying classes - as students beyond first year didn't have a specific flying subject - but he had asked if he could offer smaller flying classes outside of normal class time for those who wanted extra help. He felt flying was an important skill, and that some students would appreciate the extra time to learn.

He waited somewhat anxiously for the students to turn up. Since it was an optional class, there was always a chance that none would come - but soon some started filing out, mostly second years, but a couple of older students as well. There was some hushed chatting and finger pointing when they saw him - particularly for those pureblood students who were into Quidditch, as they recognised him from seeing him play nationally. He wasn't going to make a big deal of that at all - he would admit to it if people asked, but beyond that, he was just a professor.

He was just about to start his introduction when he noticed one of the students who was there. An older girl - but one who was very familiar to him. His heart froze at that moment and his eyes widened. No, it couldn't be... could it? She was... a student? Oh, no...

His mind racing a mile a minute, he swallowed slowly, wondering what to do. He had to just go on with the class as normal. Was this really happening? His first day on the job and already basically he was in line to be fired? Oh, crap crap crap. His eyes lingering on her for an extra moment, he then turned to the rest of the class, focusing on the younger students to try to keep his thoughts straight. "Alright guys, welcome to your extra Flying class! My name is Jens Helstrom, I'm the new Flying professor here," he said, giving a slight glance at Ellen, seeing her nervousness at noticing him as well. He turned back to the others. "I'm sure a lot of you are here for different reasons, but I want to start off by saying it's great that you're here, and I'm really excited that you're keen to learn to fly better. There's no skill level that is unacceptable in this class - wherever you're at, I'll be helping you personally to try and take some steps forward. What we're going to do to start with, is I'm going to come by each of you and spend five minutes with you and work out where you're at with flying, and working out a plan of attack to make you feel more comfortable on your broom." Thankfully, there were only seven people in the class, so he could do that without the others getting too bored. With that, he started with some of the younger students, chatting to them about their flying experience. Ellen was at the end of the line, and he eventually got to her. "Uh, hey," he said, glancing at the other students as they started to fly around low to the ground at the instruction he had given them. This was weird. "So you're, uh, a student here?" he asked, hoping against hope that she was some kind of teachers aide.

ELLEN MARIBEL ACKERLEY

[ELLEN MARIBEL ACKERLEY]

Ellen hadn't paid much attention to the professor or anyone around her, really. She wasn't there to make friends, though if she did she wouldn't mind. She was just there to overcome her fear. When she looked up, however, and met the eyes of Jens, her heart stopped. It couldn't be him. It just couldn't. Oh, but it was. She immediately looked down as he spoke and bit her lower lip, trying not to make it evident that she was on the verge of a heart attack. Seriously, Ellen? A professor? she told herself mentally. Not only had she gone and really fell for the guy, but they'd had sex and everything. And now it turned out that he was a professor there? There was no way this was going to work. There was just...how could she have been so stupid?

She wasn't sure if he purposely left her for last or what but it ended up that way. Ellen couldn't barely look at him as she noticed his shoes in front of her. She painfully looked up into his face - embarrassed, ashamed, hurt. They had only exchanged brief owl's for the remainder of the summer after they had their one-night-stand, and that was hurtful as it was, but now they had to see each other again and not under very pleasant circumstances. She opened her mouth, trying to talk, and immediately shut it. She took a deep breath and shook her head, shrugging once simply. "Yea...yea, I'm a student," Ellen said awkwardly. She looked up to the sky where the other students were flying a bit low to the ground, but far enough where what they said wouldn't be audible from the wind.

Ellen forced herself to look at him; she felt herself shaking slightly. "I didn't know," she whispered, looking back down. "I didn't know you were a professor...it never came up," Ellen muttered and closed her eyes. How could she be so foolish? Not only had she lost her virginity to him, but now he was seriously untouchable. There was no way they could ever be able to be anything than friends at best, and that wasn't enough for her. She'd thought about him every single night since the day she left his flat, and now her world was crumbling down all around her. This was literally the worst day of her life.

[Deleted]

Sure, they had sent a few owls back and forth after she had left his apartment that day, but not a lot. He honestly wasn't sure if that was because of him or because of her, but there had definitely been more distance between them. He had thought about her as well - she was smart and beautiful, but he hadn't known how to pursue things - but now he obviously couldn't. But what was worse was that seeing her again made him remember what being with her had been like. Which was definitely a bad thing.

And she was definitely a student. Hadn't she said she was older? Or had he just assumed that? She had been in a bar, so she must have been underage there. He had bought her drinks - he had supplied alcohol to a minor. Not to mention he had slept with her. If any of this got out, he was ruined. He kept his face looking pleasant, though. "It's okay. I didn't know you were a student, either," he said quietly, frowning. "Neither of us could have known." They could have, if they had asked. But he wanted to believe that. "Anyway... so uh... what kind of flying experience do you have?" God, this was awkward now. She was a student of his and he could picture her naked. Not a good combination.

ELLEN MARIBEL ACKERLEY

[ELLEN MARIBEL ACKERLEY]

Ellen felt like crying. They had made love and now they were acting as though it'd never happened. Sure it was awkward, but apart from that...it was like nothing. She felt sick. She should have just run away and never conquer her fear of flying - but she couldn't. She couldn't bare leaving now. She had thought about him every day since she left his flat and now he was finally in front of her, and...she didn't want him to leave. But Ellen couldn't think like that! She was going to drive herself into an even bigger depression she'd already suffered, and she wasn't sure she would be able to take that. Ignatius was gone so she couldn't talk to him. Maybe she should have. She should have just dated Ignatius the whole time - she knew he was interested in her. If she'd just dated him, maybe he wouldn't have been dead and she wouldn't be in this situation. But that's not what happened, which was evident from her quickly-beating heart.

"It's uh...um...okay," she muttered, staring at her feet. She couldn't look at him anymore. Ellen sighed and looked up at the sky again. "None, really," she answered, then, unable to contain herself, glanced over. "I'm sort of actually afraid of flying," she said, then chuckled at herself, shaking her head. "Fell off my broom first year, suffered a concussion, never got on a broom again," Ellen said softly and looked back at the ground. God this was awful.

[Deleted]

He really didn't know what to do. He cared about her, he couldn't not, after what had happened. He wanted to make her feel okay but knew there wasn't much at all he could do right now. But he could give her the option to leave if she wanted to. "Hey... if you need some time to process this, you don't have to stay here. I'm happy for you to stay if you like, of course, but don't feel like you have to," he told her quietly. He knew this must be overwhelming for her, if it was anything like it was for him. He had to stay here - she didn't. "I'm sorry to hear about your concussion. But we can definitely work past the fear, trust me, I've helped lots of people do it before," he told her with a slight smile.

ELLEN MARIBEL ACKERLEY

[ELLEN MARIBEL ACKERLEY]

Ellen looked at Jens and felt a surge of anger. Why hadn't he told her he was a professor? Why didn't he just say from the get-go that he wasn't interested? Now she was invested into something he obviously wasn't - and even if he was, there was no way for them to be anything. They had to forget what happened. Ellen was angry about that, really. She thought she was falling for him...but now it could never be. She did this to herself. "I'm fine," she said quickly, then picked up the broom beside her feet and mounted it. Ellen's adrenaline from being angry faded slowly as she realized that she was actually mounted on the broom. She hadn't been able to go near a broom for quite some time. She looked up at Jens confidently and nodded. "I can do this... on my own," Ellen said and then looked down at the broom again. She could do this. She could do everything on her own. She didn't need anyone. She didn't need Jens, she didn't need Ignatius, she only needed herself and that was the only person she was going to depend on from now on. It was her against the world and she was going to take it on. There was no more in-confident, pathetic Ellen. There was no more stuttering and walking around all depressed. Maybe it was the anger talking, or the rush of emotions she was feeling, but at that precise moment Ellen wanted to fly off the ground and get the hell away from every single person she ever knew, including Jens.

[Deleted]

She wasn't fine. It was clearly a defense mechanism, and he watched warily as she mounted her broom. "Hey, are you sure?" She seemed sure, though, or at least determined, and he took a step back from her to give her some room as she stood on her broom. "Alright... well how about you try just kicking off the ground a little, keeping your hands steady on the handle, with no sharp movements, okay?" he suggested calmly. He had his hand on his wand to control her broom if he needed to, but that was a last resort as it might damage her confidence if he had to do that.

ELLEN MARIBEL ACKERLEY

[ELLEN MARIBEL ACKERLEY]

Ellen looked at him and nodded with a raised eyebrow. "Don't worry about me," she said, then looked back to her broom. "I got this," Ellen said before kicking off hard from the ground. She was angry, sure, but she was even more thrilled to get away from Jens as she left the ground. Ellen was determined and as she floated up into the air, a little higher than she expected, she kept her broom steady and precise. In fact, she was doing pretty good as she stared ahead. When she looked down, however, she had a flashback to when she was in first year - staring at the ground as she pummeled toward it. Ellen froze on her broom, staring down at the ground widely and feeling her heart pound within her chest. "Okay, okay, okay," she muttered to herself and felt her broom go unsteady beneath her. She winced as she began swaying side to side and then, suddenly, fall. She let out a scream as her broom fell toward the ground and she on top of it. A crack sounded as she landed on her side and Ellen immediately felt a tear sting her cheek. She covered her face with her hand as she held back the scream she so wished to expel. She wasn't going to show weakness in front of Jens - not anymore. Ellen bit her lower lip hard as she held back tears, knowing that she probably could never get on a broom again.

[Deleted]

Jens didn't think she had this at all. She looked very unsteady as she floated up, and he moved closer, hoping to try and catch her if she happened to fall. "Maybe just stay low for now..." he warned when she went a little higher, and then with a scream and a turn away from him, she fell, just far enough out of his reach that he couldn't catch her. He quickly knelt by her side, concerned for her health, he didn't know how hard she had hit the ground and if she was okay. "Ellen, are you alright?" he asked, real concern sounding in his voice. More than that of a professor, one might say. He put a hand gently on her shoulder, unsure if she had been injured or if she was just upset.

ELLEN MARIBEL ACKERLEY

[ELLEN MARIBEL ACKERLEY]

Jens' words hit her hard as he asked if she was alright. He'd asked that in his apartment, too. She just...she couldn't do this. Ellen weakly sat up and kept her gaze away from him, staring at the ground instead. "I'm fine, Professor," she muttered. Ellen winced as she got up and shook his hand off her shoulder in the process. His touch, which was once loving and irresistible, now made her sick. What was the point in him trying to be nice to her when all of this was an illusion? It was all fake. It couldn't ever be what she wanted it to be and that not only pissed her off, but it broke her heart. She leaned backward as she almost fell onto her face, but steadied herself and rested her hand on her side, closing her eyes as she endured the pain in her back and sides. The pain of falling on the ground wasn't nearly as painful as falling into reality.

[Deleted]

He frowned. There was definitely a coldness there now. He hated that, and he hated that it felt like it was his fault. It was circumstances that had put them in this position. He didn't feel like he had been dishonest with her - in fact he had thought she was of age when in fact she wasn't, so in part he felt she hadn't been honest with him. Either way, it went both ways, and the circumstances played the biggest part in it. "You look sore. I can get one of the others to go up with you to the hospital wing?" he suggested, thinking she wouldn't want him to go with her. "But... I'm sorry. About all of this. It's confusing, and hard," he said quietly.

ELLEN MARIBEL ACKERLEY

[ELLEN MARIBEL ACKERLEY]

Ellen angrily turned around, looked him up and down, then shook her head all while grasping her side still. "I'm not going to the hospital wing, so leave it," she said coldly, then looked down at the ground. Why did it have to be like this? "You're sorry?" she asked quietly, staring at the ground. Tears formed at the corners of her eyes and she slowly looked up at him, one eyebrow raised. "You're sorry..." she repeated, unable to really fathom it. "This isn't...this isn't something you can just be sorry for. This is the kind of thing that only happens to me because I'm not..." she stopped and looked down at the ground, wincing from pain but chuckling once at herself all the same. She looked back up and shrugged. "I'm not worth happiness and that's why I never get it. You know, before this whole thing I would have never even dreamed approaching someone like you. I don't talk to people, okay? I'm scared to. I'm scared to do anything - everything! I'm always scared! And with you I actually let myself be who I really am, without letting fear stop me...and look what happens," she said and turned her body slightly away, her lower lip quivering. "You should forget about me. Forget it ever happened...I know you have regrets about it, so why...why even bother?"

[Deleted]

Jens frowned at her response. "Yes, I'm sorry..." he replied before she started talking about being not worth happiness. "Ellen, that's not true. You are worth a lot. You took a chance and it was great. But the circumstances... they are unfortunate," he said, unsure how to put this. "I'd like to catch up sometime and talk about this, though. Somewhere where we can actually talk," he said, glancing around at the other students who were still flying around. He didn't want to make a scene here and get people talking. "I don't have the regrets about it that you think." Only that she was a student and he didn't know that before. Other than that, he still liked her a lot.

ELLEN MARIBEL ACKERLEY

[ELLEN MARIBEL ACKERLEY]

Ellen listened to him talk and shook her head. It was all lies. She wasn't worth anything and she knew it, so why did he even try to change her mind? She shook her head again and looked up at him. "Whatever," she said with a sigh. "If you want to talk about this, then figure out where you want to meet and let me know. But til then," Ellen said and looked down at the broom, rolling her eyes. She looked back up and said, "I'm done with this." Ellen wiped away a tear that fell from her eye and walked past him back to the castle, wondering if his offer to talk about the situation was legitimate or a way to distract her from causing him further embarassment. Either way, her life had took a change for the worse, and she wasn't sure how she was going to deal with it.